Of Trolls and Men
“In every bit of honest writing in the world there is a base theme. Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love. There are shorter means, many of them. There is writing promoting social change, writing punishing injustice, writing in celebration of heroism, but always that base theme. Try to understand each other.” - John Steinbeck
People... You gotta love ‘em, right? Actually, you don’t have to. In fact, at times it can be downright challenging to put up with their crazy shenanigans.
Take trolls for instance. No, not the humongous, slobbering, stinky creatures from Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. I’m talking about human trolls - those lovely individuals who enjoy stalking the internet, seeking opportunities to belittle, bully, and otherwise fire decidedly belligerent, drive-by rants at anyone they disagree with, while cleverly remaining anonymous and effectively avoiding retribution.
Maybe some human trolls are humongous, slobbering, stinky creatures. That would actually explain a lot. But I think most are a product of the collision of human nature and social media - that weird, wild, and wonderful world where you can share your entrée selection at dinner, post a beautiful sunset, make your political/religious views known, and/or insult a perfect stranger without risking a punch in the nose. People (yeah, those same people that you gotta love) do some bizarre things online. And many - or at least, the troll crowd - seem to relish insults and arguments.
“Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.” - John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men
Try reading the comments on YouTube. I find it highly entertaining, especially on music video posts, because there tends to be a pattern. I call it the seven degrees of degradation. Often, within the first seven comments, someone tosses out a verbal grenade. No matter how the conversation starts, it always seems to go downhill fast:
Comment 1: Great song!
Comment 2: The best!
Comment 3: This is a cover. They didn’t write this song.
Comment 4: It’s a cover, but it’s better than the original.
Comment 5: This bites! The original is iconic.
Comment 6: I hate this song. It sucks!
Comment 7: You suck!
And after that, the gloves come off and it gets nasty. It doesn’t matter what song it is - Somewhere Over the Rainbow or Voodoo Chile - one person is convinced it’s the gold standard and another thinks it is total doot. Others soon enter the fray, ganging up and piling on until it’s the internet version of a barroom brawl.
People... Do we really gotta love ‘em?
What brought this subject to mind were several comments I received in response to my last blog entry. As you may remember (or not), it used the COVID vaccine as an excuse for talking about the process of writing - specifically how difficult it can sometimes be. I jokingly mentioned being turned into a zombie after my second Moderna shot (I did have one limb fall off the other day, but I’ll save that story for another blog). However, what we (“we” being “I”) have to remember is that trolls DO NOT have a sense of humor. That particular trait has either been physically driven from their souls by a hard knock life, or they were, quite possibly, born without one. Either way, they do not appreciate comedy, kidding, sarcasm, or lighthearted banter of any variety. It actually seems to tick them off.
As an example, I present Exhibit A:
You’ll notice that this comment evidences classic trollsmanship and style. For starters, it’s written in all caps. As every creature under the sun knows (except maybe a sheep or a lemming), all caps is a form of online shouting. Two question marks and three exclamation marks follow. This troll was clearly torked from the get go. I use sheep and lemming as examples of dumb animals because, as you can see, that was the troll’s opening salvo. Whether or not this person actually read the blog, they decided to inquire as to my species.
As you can imagine, I wasn’t happy about this. I mean, really? A sheep or a lemming? That’s it? Those are my only choices? What about a weasel or a wildebeest? What about a grizzly or a gazelle? I get that sheep and lemming are easily led and/or jump off cliffs with the masses, but come on! What if, in reality, I’m a buffalo or a bison (which are basically the same thing, right?)? What then?
Next, the troll takes the time to clearly and eloquently communicate the extensive research that informs his/her trollish perspective on all things COVID. While I’m inclined to agree that elements of the pandemic have been and continue to be totally bogus and totally stupid, I have a couple of problems with this statement. First, why use “totally” twice? Try some variety. Spice things up. Say “completely” or “entirely” or “utterly.” Second, in my estimation, the world is, on any given day, overflowing with totally bogus and totally stupid activity. Always has been, always will be. Because it’s chock full of... (altogether now...) PEOPLE. You gotta love ‘em!
I’m also a little confused by the final punctuation: eight (count ‘em) exclamation marks, combined with one number symbol and three laughing emojis. There must be a clandestine message in there somewhere. Something more than just a reference to Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
“A guy goes nuts if he ain’t got nobody. ...I tell ya, I tell ya, a guy gets too lonely an’ he gets sick.” - John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men
Here’s the thing: trolls have it tough. It’s clear from their posts that they’re upset, feel threatened, and don’t get much TLC. They’re lonely and want someone to listen to them. Like every other person on the planet, they’re seeking to be understood.
So, Mr./Ms. Troll, if you are reading this, my advice for you and every other out-of-conTroll (see what I did there?) is as follows:
Take a break from the internet
Phone a friend
Pet a dog
Download a meditation app
Drink some chamomile tea
Read a good book
Learn origami, juggling, or woodworking... (maybe all three at the same time - which would qualify you for America’s Got Talent!)
And if you absolutely must go online, do it with purpose. Instead of trolling around, seeking whom you may devour, go to Amazon and order yourself a sense of humor. Get the industrial size. If you’ve got Prime, it’ll be here by tomorrow!